DON’T UNDERRATE THE VALUE OF FEEDBACK

In many ways, I consider myself to be a very lucky guy!

I know that some people who know what I’ve been through lately will read that statement and feel that I’ve taken a giant leap into denial – or worse. Your skepticism is understandable. Becoming a widower is more painful than I could have imagined. But what makes me so lucky is that I’m connected with many more people than is the case for most people my age – and that gives me the opportunity to get lots of feedback. DON’T UNDERRATE THE VALUE OF FEEDBACK.

Without feedback from others, I could find ways to obsess about whether I’m declining in important ways. I could be overly concerned that the middle-aged woman who crossed the street with me when the light changed is already at the next corner long before I will get there. I could wonder if I don’t remember the name of someone whom I met once is a sign of decline or of the fact that I didn’t concentrate on learning his name because I mistakenly thought I’d never see him again. And I could be concerned about whether the fact that I can’t tell you the phone number of someone who is a contact on speed dial on my cell phone is a function of faulty memory or the fact that there is no advantage to memorizing the number – as long as I remember the person’s name.

Despite my recent tragedy, I’m luckier than most people because of the feedback that I regularly get. I’m lucky that in my work with BetterAge, I’m a full participant on multiple zoom meetings a day and developing content and making decisions that will improve the health and well-being of many older adults. I’m lucky that my kids and grandkids include me in their lives, seek to spend time with me, and ask for my opinion – which leads me to suspect that I’m relevant. I’m lucky that I’m involved with a group of peers who regularly meet to discuss varied topics from politics to movies to wine, and beyond. And I’m lucky to be posting on social media – which has been a source of intellectual stimulation and friendships and feedback. And I’m lucky to have friends and neighbors with whom I interact on a regular basis.

All of these are opportunities to get feedback. If you are not putting yourself in positions that enable you to get feedback, it will become too easy to get older and magnify those times you forget something or those times that you notice that you’re not able to do something as well as you did before. Feedback helps you to keep it in perspective.

Being competitive by nature, I still wish that I could have gotten to the next corner faster than that woman, but I get enough feedback to see it as a disappointment in an otherwise pretty lucky pattern of functioning. As much as possible, I’m also conscious of giving feedback to my peers to encourage them to know that they are relevant.